FEATURED Q&A: Are We the Architects of Our Own Destiny—or Are We Shaped by Others?
In my final newsletter of 2024, I explored the concept of Time-Layered Complexity: the idea that our lives are multi-layered creations, shaped both by the choices we make and the meaning we assign to them over time. I argued that we are the “architects” of our lives—responsible for building our futures through the intentional decisions we make every day.
Recently, however, a reader posed a thought-provoking question that challenged this notion:
“How much are we the architects of our own destiny, and how much is shaped by others—even those closest to us?”
The reader went on to reference something I’d written previously about Rick Rubin and his work with the Red Hot Chili Peppers: that leaders like Rubin can unlock the creative potential of others. But they pushed the idea further, asking:
“Is a leader, like Rick Rubin, someone who always acts in the best interests of the individual whose potential they may unlock? Or do they have an agenda? And if so, is that agenda justified—whether it’s to sell records, to make a great record, or even to make a great record to sell?”
These questions led me to reflect on two key ideas. First, how do we balance self-determination with the undeniable influence others have on shaping our lives? Second, what is the nature of leadership itself? Do those who influence us act selflessly—or are their actions shaped by their own agendas, and if so, are those agendas valid?
Let’s explore both layers.
Are We Truly the Architects of Our Own Destiny?
At first glance, the idea of being the “architect” of your own life implies autonomy, responsibility, and control. It’s empowering to imagine that we design our lives entirely through the choices we make. Yet, as the reader pointed out, our lives are also shaped by those around us—parents, family, friends, and even mentors or leaders who challenge or inspire us.
This creates an apparent contradiction: how can we claim full agency over our lives when others shape us so profoundly? On one hand, being the “architect of your own life” emphasizes personal agency. Each choice, mistake, and success becomes part of the layered complexity that defines us. This perspective calls us to own our story and design it with intention.
Yet, no architect works in isolation. Even the most self-directed individuals need scaffolding: support from mentors, collaborators, or even challengers who push them in unexpected directions. These external influences act as co-architects, shaping aspects of our lives that we might not have envisioned on our own.
Figures like Rick Rubin, Steve Jobs, or Edwin Land exemplify this. They guided, challenged, and ultimately unlocked potential in others, elevating those individuals to achieve things they may never have thought possible on their own.
But just as collaboration can unlock potential, it can also invite resistance. Each architect—whether designing buildings, careers, or personal lives—inevitably faces opposition. The city officials might reject their blueprints. The team might question their vision. The crowd might scoff at the design, preferring the comfort of what already exists. These external forces can feel like roadblocks, but they’re also part of the process.
In fact, those who oppose us can become unintentional co-architects of our lives. A critic, a doubter, or even a competitor forces us to confront our assumptions and clarify our vision. They might compel us to adapt, innovate, or find creative solutions we wouldn’t have considered otherwise. While they may not be helping us in the traditional sense, their opposition still shapes the outcome. Just as friction polishes stone, resistance can refine and strengthen our designs—if we’re willing to learn from it.
Opposition challenges us to refine our ideas, articulate our vision more clearly, or find creative workarounds. Sometimes it pushes us to fight for what we believe in; other times, it forces us to compromise or adapt. Either way, resistance can become a powerful, if uncomfortable, co-architect—shaping not just the outcome, but also our resilience and resolve.
The Parent Paradox: When Support Is Missing
Parents often play a defining role in shaping the trajectory of our lives. Ideally, they serve as a safety net—offering encouragement, resources, and emotional scaffolding as we pursue our dreams. I know I wouldn’t be where I am without my family, and I will always be grateful to my parents for doing their best—even when they couldn’t. (Thanks, Mom and Dad—love you!)
But what happens when that scaffolding is missing—or worse, when it feels like those closest to us are actively holding us back? As our reader shared, parents’ fears or unfulfilled ambitions can sometimes manifest as discouragement:
“Why would you pursue that? It’s not realistic.”
“You’ll never succeed doing that. You need to focus on something practical.”
This is especially true for those in creative fields, where the risks often feel higher. As Roger Brown, president of Berklee College of Music, noted in the book Two Beats Ahead: What Musical Minds Can Teach About Innovation, “When a young person chooses to go to Berklee, it’s usually over the objections of the entire extended family.” I can understand this fear—parents want to help their children secure a sustainable life, stable careers, and reliable work opportunities.
But for those chasing their dreams, a lack of parental support can feel like a foundational block is missing—one that others may take for granted. It forces us to work harder just to reach the same starting point as those who have a strong support system.
Yet, this absence can also teach us resilience, resourcefulness, and self-reliance. It pushes us to seek or create support systems elsewhere—through mentors, peers, or communities who uplift and inspire us.
At the same time, it’s worth considering the flip side: how often do we see the opposite? People who grow up with every advantage—supportive families, financial resources, and parents eager to pave their way—but fail to achieve their potential. Why? Often, it’s because they lack the drive, agency, or work ethic to transform those opportunities into something meaningful.
The tension between support and independence teaches an important truth: we are shaped by both, but neither guarantees success. What ultimately matters is how we respond—whether we’re starting from a place of advantage or disadvantage, our willingness to take responsibility and act with agency defines what we achieve.
The Role of Leaders—Unlocking or Controlling?
This brings us to our reader’s second question: Is a leader, like Rick Rubin, someone who always acts in the best interests of the individual they influence? Or do they have an agenda—and is that agenda justified?
Leadership is rarely purely selfless. A good leader may genuinely want to help others succeed, but they often do so with their own goals in mind. For someone like Rick Rubin, the goal may be to help an artist unlock their creative potential—but it’s also to make a great record, which exists within a commercial framework.
Johnny Cash’s late-career renaissance offers a compelling example. In the early 2000s, Cash collaborated with Rubin on a series of albums that revealed a raw, deeply authentic version of himself. Rubin’s influence helped Cash tap into creative depths that might have otherwise remained dormant. But while Rubin clearly had Cash’s artistic growth in mind, his goal wasn’t entirely altruistic—he also wanted to make great records.
I actually learned about this collaboration when I visited the Johnny Cash Museum in Nashville. Cash has always been one of my favorite artists, but walking through the museum gave me a new appreciation for this chapter of his life. I hadn’t realized how pivotal Rubin’s role was in helping Cash rediscover and express such a raw, honest version of himself. That collaboration wasn’t just about making music—it was about creative reinvention. It reminded me of the power of having a co-architect in your life, someone who can see what you might not yet see in yourself.
This duality—the alignment of a leader’s goals with the individual’s aspirations—captures the essence of leadership. Jimmy Iovine, another legendary producer who worked with John Lenon, Bruce Springsteen, and many others, once said, “You have talent; you give them the keys and let them drive. I realized where the magic comes from, and it’s not from me.”
True leadership creates the conditions for others to thrive, but it’s not without agendas. The challenge for any leader—or for anyone seeking guidance—is to align these agendas in a way that serves both parties.
Conclusion: Balancing Agency and Influence
The reader’s two-layered question brings us to an important truth: our lives are shaped by both ourselves and others.
At the first level, being the architect of your own destiny means taking ownership of your choices and vision, even when those closest to you—like parents—don’t offer the support you need. It’s about finding or creating a support system that aligns with your goals, and seeking out co-architects who can help you build the life you want.
At the second level, it’s about recognizing the dual nature of leadership. Leaders, mentors, and collaborators may have their own agendas, but when their goals align with yours, their influence can unlock potential you didn’t know you had. The challenge is to discern when leadership is empowering and when it’s stifling—and to remain true to your own vision.
I believe we are, at our core, the architects of our own lives. Each decision, mistake, and success becomes part of the layered complexity that defines us—like the twisting streets and varied facades of a European city shaped by countless hands over centuries. But even the most independent architect doesn’t build alone. We rely on others—leaders, collaborators, mentors, and even challengers—to provide scaffolding, inspiration, and sometimes, to push us to build what we didn’t know we could.
This is where the apparent contradiction lies: how can we be the architects of our lives while also needing the influence of others? In reality, it’s not a contradiction—it’s a dynamic balance. You remain the architect, owning your choices and vision, but no design is created in isolation. Leaders and collaborators act as co-architects, helping you refine your vision or unlock parts of yourself you didn’t know existed. This interplay doesn’t take away your agency—it enriches it, allowing your life to grow beyond what you could achieve alone.
But here’s the thing about being an architect: the work is never finished. We’re constantly revising the blueprints, tearing down walls, and building anew. Each stage of life brings new collaborators, new challenges, and new layers to our design. Some will help us refine the structure, while others may force us to rebuild from the ground up.
The real question, then, isn’t whether we are the sole architects of our lives—it’s whether we are willing to embrace the complexity of the process. Are we open to the influence of co-architects, even when they challenge us? Are we willing to hold onto our vision while remaining adaptable?
As we move into a new year, I invite you to reflect: What kind of architect do you want to be? Who are the co-architects in your life right now? Are they building with you—or holding you back? And just as importantly, how are you showing up as a co-architect for others?
Remember: the beauty of any great design lies in its complexity. And in the same way that no city is built by one set of hands, no life is shaped by one alone. The question is not whether we are architects—it’s what kind of life we choose to build, who we invite to help us shape it, and how we embrace the evolving design. Because in the end, a great life, like a great city, is never truly finished—it’s shaped, layered, and enriched by every choice, every challenge, and every co-architect we meet along the way.
Do you have a question or a thought to share? I’d love to hear from you—and who knows, I might even answer it in a future post! A sincere thank you to the reader who trusted me with their question, gave permission to share it here, and allowed me to explore it in this piece. If you’d like to share your own question or idea, feel free to reach out at Nir [at] The Artian [dot] com, or drop me a message here on Substack.